Quotes from Stephen Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

-- Stephen Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

-- Stephen Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

-- Stephen Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...

-- Stephen Wright

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....

-- Stephen Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

-- Stephen Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord

-- Stephen Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

-- Stephen Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

-- Stephen Wright

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

-- Stephen Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

-- Stephen Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

-- Stephen Wright

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

-- Stephen Wright

I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...

-- Stephen Wright

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.

-- Stephen Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

-- Stephen Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

-- Stephen Wright

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

-- Stephen Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-- Stephen Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

-- Stephen Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.

-- Stephen Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

-- Stephen Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

-- Stephen Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

-- Stephen Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

-- Stephen Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

-- Stephen Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

-- Stephen Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

-- Stephen Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

-- Stephen Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

-- Stephen Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

-- Stephen Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

-- Stephen Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

-- Stephen Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

-- Stephen Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

-- Stephen Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

-- Stephen Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

-- Stephen Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

-- Stephen Wright

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

-- Stephen Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

-- Stephen Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

-- Stephen Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

-- Stephen Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

-- Stephen Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

-- Stephen Wright

So, do you live around here often?

-- Stephen Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

-- Stephen Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

-- Stephen Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

-- Stephen Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

-- Stephen Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

-- Stephen Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

-- Stephen Wright

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

-- Stephen Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

-- Stephen Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

-- Stephen Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."

-- Stephen Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

-- Stephen Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

-- Stephen Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

-- Stephen Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

-- Stephen Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.

-- Stephen Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

-- Stephen Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

-- Stephen Wright

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

-- Stephen Wright

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

-- Stephen Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

-- Stephen Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers...

-- Stephen Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-- Stephen Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

-- Stephen Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

-- Stephen Wright

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

-- Stephen Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

-- Stephen Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

-- Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

-- Stephen Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

-- Stephen Wright

"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."

-- Stephen Wright